God she looks amazing, angelic and of the other cliches that I can't quite remember this early in the day. She's still sleeping as I am writing this. I hate the last days of our visits they always go by way to fast.

Getting ready to go to work for what may be the last time. There is a shop meeting today and the word is layoffs. No one knows for sure, it could be a layoff or it could be one of those" hey guys keep up the good work" speeches from the big bosses. The more seasoned of the guys there know better and I have come to trust their instincts a little bit. No matter what tho I know I will be alright, the ones I am worried for are the guys with families, the ones who have homes to loose or kids to put through school. What i have to loose is minor compared to that. I am still young enough to where I can bounce back, the ones who are older are the ones that will have it tougher.

Its times like these that I hate being empathic, the past few days at work have been so emotionally draining that I come home and lay in bed crying, not for me but for the fear that the ENTIRE shop is feeling. So wish us luck today but not for me, for the ones who need that place more than I ever could.

Those that know me best know that I don't consider myself a car buff. I know very little about cars except for how to drive them, check the fluid levels, change the disc brakes and change the filters. However that does not mean that I do not have a very deep love and appreciation for the automobile, I mean come on I am from the Motor City for crying out loud! It's in my DNA practically.

This weekend my cousin J and his buddy came out and the three of us went to the taping of the show for the SPEED channel, Pinks: ALL OUT. I have never been to a drag race before (an actual legal one that is) and I have to say that after seeing those big bad ass muscle cars that people from all over brought to the strip, I was in awe of their beauty and performance.

Walking around the park and seeing the cars that ranged from classics with an edge to newbies with a twist, I couldn't help but think that they really do not make cars like they used to. When you see a classic, even if you were to put two identical 78 Bonneville's with the same color and rag top, you can still tell the differences between the two. Cars aren't what they used to be. Nowadays they don't have the character like they should.

There was a lot of talk by the host of the show of how Michigan is going through some tough times and how the auto industry is dieing. He said that this event was a celebration of the auto industry in Michigan. For some that may be true, for me it was like saying goodbye to the past and wondering what was next for what has driven this state for decades. I guess you could compare it to a funeral of sorts for the American automobile.

With each car that went past I would think, " Goodbye GTO" or " Thanks for the memories Nova," and even "So long Mustang".

But when you think about it, they may look like GTO's, Nova's and Mustang's but with all of the hard work, dedication, blood, sweat and tears that went into stripping them down, supeing them up and practically rebuilding them and the stories behind the cars they were a mix of the past and the future of cars in America. What many don't seem to get is that the American car is something that we have treasured for decades. It is where fathers would have heart to hearts with their sons, where memories of family trips and the bonds between the individuals were created and cherished and where some of us were even created (wink wink).

Its an unfortunate thing that cars will never be the mainstay for us anymore, and its something that I have already come to accept, doesn't mean I have to like it, but I will accept it if I must. But damn those cars were beauties, and by the way for the inquiring minds out there....



...


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FORD ALL THE WAY BABY!!!!!

so as most internet thingies go i am following suit and thank you to jess for giving me some words to work with.

Reply to this meme by yelling "Words!" and I will give you five words that remind me of you. Then post them in your LJ and explain what they mean to you. Mine come from Jessie


morality: for me i think that morality is subjective depending on a persons spiritual beliefs, upbringing, and events in their lives. i hold my morals very close to me, the events of my life has lead me to have very important standpoints that i stand very firm on while others i am lax. i will never push my own personal morals on anyone and would expect the same because what works for one doesn't always work for all.

sci-fi: ah sci-fi. my passion. the possibilities of ones imagination brought to life on the big screen or small screen or in novels, or whatever media is to your liking. i have never hidden the fact that i am a sci fi geek or should i more clearly say a Trekkie ( live long and prosper mother fucker, Vulcan salute up in this bitch mofo's). i cant help but hope to one day travel amongst the stars before i die, who knows it might happen, if we don't blow up the planet before then.

heritage: most that know me knows that i hold my heritage in a very deep and meaningful way. i am a mixture of Irish, Scottish, English, German, Dutch, and various other cultures but its with the Irish that i identify with. also close to me is my southern heritage as well, minus the stereotypical racial attributes. i think that a person should hold their heritage close to them, not necessarily live by it mind you but keep it as a reminder of those that came before you and pass it down to those that come after you to keep something of your ancestors alive in memory.

autism: Jeremy. my little brother. more of my son in many ways. i raised him for the large part and in many ways he raised me too. its hard to not tear up when i think about him and how far he has come and how he struggles with the simple tasks we take for granted. for society autism is a mystery wrapped up in an enigma guarded by a giant question mark. after all the years of studies, research and debates the medical community as a whole is still no closer to an answer. all i know is that my brother is the best brother i could have ever asked for and have been blessed with and i could not be anymore proud of him :)

working-class: i come from a blue collar family. my father has been a machinist for 30 plus years, his father was a welder and before that he worked in the coal mines of virginia, my great grandfather was a coal miner and a farmer. my mother is a medical assistant and a CNA who had various jobs in other fields before that, her father worked for Ford's engineering division and her mother had various jobs before she was to ill to work, her grandparents where farmers and homemakers. i myself am a machinist and have worked in machine shops for the past 5 years. i can honestly say that i would absolutely love to be doing something else other than manual labor BUT i take a lot of pride in what i do for a living. i come from a long line of hard working people and i hope to god that at least a tenth of that gene ended up in my DNA. i know that its not glamorous work or a job that will get me any kind of recognition and to be honest thats fine with me. i just want to be able to build a life one way or another, no matter what it takes, and if that means having to be the shop bitch at times and having to swallow my pride and take the pain that comes with it so be it. it just sucks that the working class are the first ones they sacrifice when it comes down to tough financial decisions.

Its kind of funny the kind of sentimental attachment that humans put onto inanimate objects isn't it? When I was younger, I didn't quite understand it but as I have gotten older it seems that with each passing year I understand it more and more. Its not that we have become attached to the objects themselves so much as the memories that are triggered when we see them or think of them.

My 1994 Plymouth Acclaim has more dirt on me than most of my friends. It has been witness to some great and awesome memories like road trips, concerts, dates and not to mention some amazing make out sessions and other things (wink wink). But at the same time it has been witness to some bad memories like brake ups, fights, and has been where I have received bad news from different situations.

In a lot of ways I lived in that car and if you ask some people they will tell you that it sure as hell looked like it at times too. It was the first car I ever bought with my own money and it was in many ways the miracle car. People kept saying it was going to die years ago, it kept going. It was rear ended and while the car that hit me had no bumper left , the hood was crumpled and his headlights were destroyed, all my car had on it was a black scuff mark. But on top of that it survived floating down my ex girlfriends street when it flooded. I guess as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end.

Soon I will be getting another car and I hope to make some good memories in that one too. I may not have the same attachment to my old rust bucket because your first car is a lot like your first girlfriend, you will always have a special place in your heart for it.

The old girl didn't look like much, its paint was peeling and it was rusting something terrible but it was mine and it got me where I needed to go up till the end.

Thanks for the memories Sil (yeah thats what i called her) you will be missed.

this has been one fucked up week. from my car dramas to the drama of friends, family, work and other shit. i can literally feel the stress level from every angle and since i am empathic it intensifies for me ten fold. right now at least today i feel like my Adrenalin levels are finally beginning to drop off and i can actually breathe a little bit. the past few days i have been searching youtube for something that can actually fit the shit going on for me and everyone else and i think this song fits it pretty accurately. while i don't tend to listen to pop or hip hop to often i do really like this song. it seems to make a little sense to me at least.

The Orion Slave Girls



01 → Do you like this character?
What self respecting sci fi geek doesnt want to tap that green alien ass

02 → What name/s do you call this character?
The hottest non main characters in the whole Star Trek franchise

03 → What image/color do you associate with this character?

Green and scantily glad bikinis

04 → What image-song do you associate with this character?
Image- cant go there
song- uhh dunno on that one, never really associated a song with them

05 → What blood-type do you think this character is?

green positive????

06 → Of all of the titles that this character appears in, what character do you like to put this character with?

the lowest guy on the totem pole in any show cuz they never get any from anyone because the fucking captain steals all the nice alien ass

07 → What would you want to say to this character?

hi, my name is joe, im an aquarius, i like long walks on the beach...

08 → What do you want to do with this character:
see if its green on the inside

09 → Please choose 5 friends with your choice of character.

Comment if you're interested and I'll give you one.




(Sorry if it comes out as perverted everyone but for those that have not seen the Orion Slave Girls, just google them and you can understand why)

ok, so since i learned a valuable lesson about cars yesterday i thought i would share it.

when you do a tune up and you are replacing the spark plugs, it seems that no matter how many pairs of eyes you have keeping an eye on where each particular wire goes, you can still screw up the firing order. what should have only taken about 45 minutes ended up taking 5 hours because my boss and i somehow screwed up the firing order and my car was never more angry at me. thank god we got it worked out and the car is running like it somewhat should. also for anyone who has a higher mileage vehicle i highly highly recommend buying some Engine Restorer, you pour it in the oil tank and it will help lubricate the pistons and give your car better mileage. also if your engine is making a knock or weird noise it will also lesson it to the point of non existence. do it when you do an oil change tho and make sure you dont put in straight or it will gum up your engine, also check your oil level before you do it or else you will end up overflowing your oil pan.

car is running better now, that's the important thing. wow

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blog and replace any question that they dislike with a new, original question.
B) Tag eight people. Don't refuse to do that. Don't tag who tagged you.

1. Make a list of 5 things you can see without getting up:
- monitor
- speakers
- check book
- keys
- phone

2. How do you style your hair?
- its to short and thinning out to really do much with it

3. What are you wearing now?
- blue t-shirt and jeans

4. If you could spend an hour with any one person of your choice (be they dead or alive) who would it be?
- Pam

5. Do you nap a lot?
- not much unless I didn't get much sleep the night before

6. Who was the last person you hugged?
- Jess

7. What's your current fandom/obsession/addiction?
- fandom: Star Trek geek, what can I say
- obsession: political junkie
- addiction: smokes and vitamin water (kind of an oxymoron when you think about it)

8. What was the last thing you ate today?
- mac & cheese

9. What was the last text message you received?
- from verizon saying that my bill was available online

10. What websites do you always visit when you go online?
- Myspace
- LJ
- Facebook
- I am Bored
- email

11. What was the last thing you bought?
- gas for the car

12. What are you listening to right now?
- NPR

13. What do you think about before you go to bed at night?
- how I wish I didn't make people mad at me lately

14. What is your favourite food ?
- Swedish Meatballs, haven't had them in a while tho

15. What is your favorite weather, and why?
- Spring days when everything is coming back to life

16. If you could play any musical instrument, which one would you play?
- either piano or violin

17. How are you?
- contemplative about my current relationship status but otherwise alright

18. If you could make a movie, what genre would it be?
- Sci-Fi lol( what else would i make?)

19. Say something about the person who tagged you
- my little sister without all that genetic similarities junk

You should do this:
1. Jessie
2. Matt
3. Bill
4. Steve
5. Laura
6. Eroc
7. Sierra
8. thats pretty much everyone i have on here except for Jess lol

a thought occurred to me yesterday at work. this valentines day will be the first since 2006 that i will be with someone. the last time i was able to spend valentines day with someone, it was spent mostly fighting and lots of yelling and screaming from both sides transpired. i have a strong feeling that this one will be MUCH better than the last time i spent it with anyone. like i have said before, i should have done this along long time ago.

figured i would follow the crowd. before that tho, i need to quote my lil bro's myspace status message : "If your wondering if God has a sense of humor, well then look in the mirror and you'll see what I mean"
some of my results i agree with, some of them i dont but for the most part its pretty close.

The Giver

As an ENFJ, you're primary mode of living is focused externally, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit into your personal value system. Your secondary mode is internal, where you take things in primarily via your intuition.

ENFJs are people-focused individuals. They live in the world of people possibilities. More so than any other type, they have excellent people skills. They understand and care about people, and have a special talent for bringing out the best in others. ENFJ's main interest in life is giving love, support, and a good time to other people. They are focused on understanding, supporting, and encouraging others. They make things happen for people, and get their best personal satisfaction from this.

Because ENFJ's people skills are so extraordinary, they have the ability to make people do exactly what they want them to do. They get under people's skins and get the reactions that they are seeking. ENFJ's motives are usually unselfish, but ENFJs who have developed less than ideally have been known to use their power over people to manipulate them.

ENFJ's are so externally focused that it's especially important for them to spend time alone. This can be difficult for some ENFJs, because they have the tendency to be hard on themselves and turn to dark thoughts when alone. Consequently, ENFJs might avoid being alone, and fill their lives with activities involving other people. ENFJs tend to define their life's direction and priorities according to other people's needs, and may not be aware of their own needs. It's natural to their personality type that they will tend to place other people's needs above their own, but they need to stay aware of their own needs so that they don't sacrifice themselves in their drive to help others.

ENFJ's tend to be more reserved about exposing themselves than other extraverted types. Although they may have strongly-felt beliefs, they're likely to refrain from expressing them if doing so would interfere with bringing out the best in others. Because their strongest interest lies in being a catalyst of change in other people, they're likely to interact with others on their own level, in a chameleon-like manner, rather than as individuals.

Which is not to say that the ENFJ does not have opinions. ENFJs have definite values and opinions which they're able to express clearly and succinctly. These beliefs will be expressed as long as they're not too personal. ENFJ is in many ways expressive and open, but is more focused on being responsive and supportive of others. When faced with a conflict between a strongly-held value and serving another person's need, they are highly likely to value the other person's needs.

The ENFJ may feel quite lonely even when surrounded by people. This feeling of aloneness may be exacerbated by the tendency to not reveal their true selves.

People love ENFJs. They are fun to be with, and truly understand and love people. They are typically very straight-forward and honest. Usually ENFJs exude a lot of self-confidence, and have a great amount of ability to do many different things. They are generally bright, full of potential, energetic and fast-paced. They are usually good at anything which captures their interest.

ENFJs like for things to be well-organized, and will work hard at maintaining structure and resolving ambiguity. They have a tendency to be fussy, especially with their home environments.

In the work place, ENFJs do well in positions where they deal with people. They are naturals for the social committee. Their uncanny ability to understand people and say just what needs to be said to make them happy makes them naturals for counseling. They enjoy being the center of attention, and do very well in situations where they can inspire and lead others, such as teaching.

ENFJs do not like dealing with impersonal reasoning. They don't understand or appreciate its merit, and will be unhappy in situations where they're forced to deal with logic and facts without any connection to a human element. Living in the world of people possibilities, they enjoy their plans more than their achievements. They get excited about possibilities for the future, but may become easily bored and restless with the present.

ENFJs have a special gift with people, and are basically happy people when they can use that gift to help others. They get their best satisfaction from serving others. Their genuine interest in Humankind and their exceptional intuitive awareness of people makes them able to draw out even the most reserved individuals.

ENFJs have a strong need for close, intimate relationships, and will put forth a lot of effort in creating and maintaining these relationships. They're very loyal and trustworthy once involved in a relationship.

An ENFJ who has not developed their Feeling side may have difficulty making good decisions, and may rely heavily on other people in decision-making processes. If they have not developed their Intuition, they may not be able to see possibilities, and will judge things too quickly based on established value systems or social rules, without really understanding the current situation. An ENFJ who has not found their place in the world is likely to be extremely sensitive to criticism, and to have the tendency to worry excessively and feel guilty. They are also likely to be very manipulative and controling with others.

In general, ENFJs are charming, warm, gracious, creative and diverse individuals with richly developed insights into what makes other people tick. This special ability to see growth potential in others combined with a genuine drive to help people makes the ENFJ a truly valued individual. As giving and caring as the ENFJ is, they need to remember to value their own needs as well as the needs of others.

so the day that america has been waiting for since the campaigning all started LAST YEAR has arrived. it is now 8:21 am and i just got back from voting. as i stood there in line, which was wrapped around the building but moving at a steady enough pace enough so that i was voter number 160 at that precinct, the conversations were interesting enough for me to do something i typically do not intend to do, eavesdrop.

the lady behind me was talking to the lady behind her and she said that this was her first time voting... at the age of 97. the other woman was about in her mid 50's or so and asked the older woman why she never voted before. she said that she never had a good enough reason to until, get this, "a young ruggedly handsome black man decided to run." the other woman said oh so you are an obama supporter, to which the little old lady said "yes sweetheart i am". mind you now this little old, frail, in a wheel chair and on oxygen woman was 97 years old, had witnessed race riots, segregation, inequality for african americans and women, probably sent family and friends off to war, but the kicker is she was a as white as casper the friendly ghost. i think the funniest thing that woman said was " i always did like my men like my coffee, i just couldnt tell that to my husband". someone eventually came out and moved her to the front of the line seeing as she was in a wheel chair and from the looks on everyone's faces they were almost disappointed that she went in ahead of everyone else, not because they had waited longer than her but because they wanted to see what she would say next.

just goes to show that everyone has their reasons for voting, some for more comical reasons than others.

but in all seriousness get out and vote today. personally i voted for obama and yes on proposal 1 and yes on proposal 2. but no matter what your vote is get out and do it, its one of the last things we as americans have left, thanks to the patriot act, to do as members of the community. so get out, vote and then get on with your life. and get ready to say these three little words tomorrow " President Barack Obama!!!!!" VIVA OBAMA!

so i am getting acupuncture done at 10:45 am today. looking forward to the results from it. i have been hoping, manifesting and praying that this will help me more than anything on my road to quit smoking. some people have said that i am not taking the whole quitting thing seriously, well when patches cost more than a carton of smokes and for the price of acupuncture i could by two cartons of smokes why would i pay for all of that when i am really streched at this point. i want so bad to be rid of this and to break the family curse. so if those of you reading this could pray, manifest or just send positive thoughts my way on this i would be greatful. heres to a new pair of lungs :)

i have been giving the word "home" a lot of thought recently. its meaning, what it makes me think of when i say it, hear it, think it, and now it has me writing a blog about it. i think everyone has their own definition of home, but to give this entry some context as to what i am referring to, i will give you Webster's Dictionary's official definition:

home
Pronunciation:
..ˈhōm..
Function:
noun
Etymology:
Middle English hom, from Old English hām village, home; akin to Old High German heim home, Lithuanian šeima family, servants, Sanskrit kṣema habitable, kṣeti he dwells, Greek ktizein to inhabit
Date:
before 12th century

1 a: one's place of residence : domicile b: house2: the social unit formed by a family living together3 a: a familiar or usual setting : congenial environment; also : the focus of one's domestic attention b: habitat4 a: a place of origin home to spawn>; also : one's own country

ok so with that context, what is home? is it where your heart is? if thats the case then my home is in the mountains of Virginia where my dads side of the family is from. I fell in love with the peace, quiet, tranquility and majesty of those mountains when i was very little and decided then that i would one day live there.

is it where your family is? when i was a kid home was where my mom and dad where. when my parents divorced that idea changed pretty dramatically i guess. but keeping with that line of thought, if home is where your family is then my home is metro Detroit where the vast majority of my family is.

is it where you reside like a house or an apartment? if thats the case then my home is here in Kalamazoo with my roomies who are practically family.

is it a physical place that you work for or is it a state of mind that you can retreat to when you need a break? if it is a physical place that you work to have then again my home would be here in K-Zoo because i work to pay rent to have the roof over my head. but if its a state of mind that I retreat to then my home is in La La land with no definition at all.

I gues when you look at it no one really has one home, if you were to look at it from the perspectives of everyone's definition of home. if I were to use the examples that i gave i would have to say i have at least 4 homes. not bad on a machinist's paycheck. :)

i wont get mushy on you guys because everyone has seen more mushy shows of emotion this week from me than i think anyone can stand. but to put it simply i can only think of an old saying " in times of crisis you find out who your friends are." for all the support and messages i have received from everyone back in detroit, and here in the zoo i dont think i could have asked for more. i never realized that people cared enough to take time out of their lives to wish me well. to the roommates, laura and ed, and to my parents i am so sorry i had to put so much of my drama on all of you. this has been one of the biggest eye openers for me in several different areas and i really dont want my eyes to shut from any of it.

thank you guys so much for being there for me. it meant more than i think any of you can realize

Love ya guys :)

finished my stress test today and the results werent good. there is fluid around my heart and a spot on my heart that isnt getting any oxygen. i have to go in this friday for a heart catherization which means they found a blockage. thats why i was so scared because i knew that there was something wrong, what at the time i didnt know but i knew it wasnt just anything little. my mom and my dad will be coming out here thursday night and will be going with me. i guess i started making changes to my lifestyle to late. if things go as planned i wont have to stay the night in the hospital but if they have to put a balloon in the arterie then i will have to stay the night if not longer. i have never been this scared before. i can use all the prayers and positive thoughts i can get at this point.

well the detroit trip was good. nostalgia all around and tears shed with family members. took me awhile to post something about the trip because it took me this long to actually organize my thoughts about it.

i worry about some of my family alot. my mom because her health is declining rapidly and her bf may or may not messing around with their roommate and if that is the case i WILL drive back to beat the living fuck out him. my mom and i may have had our differences and she may have made some fucked up choices but the fact remains that she is my mom and you DO NOT FUCK WITH MY MOM! i am worried about my little bro, he doesnt have any friends at all. he has been having some heated arguments with my step sister too which doesnt help the situation, granted she is an agnsty teenager who has never had to live with a special needs person, but as an evangelical christian who claims to believe in tolerance and understanding and compassion she sure as hell isnt showing any to my brother.

i mentioned tears as well. i went and visited my grandmother who has played a very influential role in my life. after grandpa died i spent a lot of time with her to keep her company and we developed a very strong bond. it scared me to see how much she has aged since the last time i saw her in february. her hip is giving her even more trouble and they finaly gave her the go ahead for replacement surgery in august. but aside from that her health is declining and to be honest she is getting tired. she is 81 after all. she's buried her husband, four of her children, 3 of her grandchildren, the majority of her brothers and sisters, and almost all of her friends so i cant really say i blame her. but what made me cry like a baby was that she is afraid that something will happen to her before i can get back out there to see her. from what the rest of my family has told me is that she has been saying that alot. then she said that she would pray for me. now when grandma says she will pray for someone, there is no question about it, she will. i think she has a direct line to god in that respect so when she says that you know something will come of it. when ever she says to me "I will pray for you" i cry each time.

on a happier note of the trip i got to see my newest family members. my cousin nolans baby, cathrine marie and my cousin jacks baby jessica. both are beautiful and healthy and are going to be spoiled beyond measure. with my cousin jacks baby, it kind of feels like i have a niece of sorts. he was like a big brother to me growing up, he always let me tag along with him and his friends seeing as i didnt have to many growing up. with my cousin nolans baby it was really bitter sweet. my grandma died last year and she always said she couldnt wait for nolan to have a kid, since she was the one who raised him she really wanted to be there when he had his kid. my grandfather even told me that the first thought that popped in his head when he saw that baby was " dammit kathy you couldnt hold on for one more year". my grandpa on the other hand is giddy over this baby seeing as it is his first great grand baby. i asked him how he felt being a great grand pappy and he said with the biggest smile i have ever seen " old ".

grandpa is funnier than ever and he even has a girlfriend. i told him he was making me look bad. as odd as it may sound to some to say the words " my grandpa has a girlfriend", for me its not that odd. he flat out said that he is not looking for marriage he just was looking for a companion and someone who shares his interests. well lets put it like this, his face lights up like a high school kid when ever he talks about her. he said its great tho to find a woman his age that isnt hooked up to oxygen, walking with a cane or walker or is in a wheelchair. the kicker is she still has all of her own teeth and in that age group i guess that is a major plus.

all in all the trip was good and sad at the same time. i wish it was easier to get back there to see my family but i am actually happy with my life in the Zoo. granted not every day can be a great day but i am living life on my own the way i want to live it and you cant get any better than that.

yeah back in the metro area for the weekend and already had to fight back some tears. when i got to my dads he was up so we talked for a while and since where he works (where i used to work) is moving this weekend i decided to jusst stay awake and stop in there this morning and see the place one last time. my dad has worked there for 27 years and i worked there for 3 but in pretty much every aspect that place was a large part of my life. all the guys there are either blood relatives or are related to me by marriage so they of course where all happy to see me. they al kept going on about how proud they were of me and happy that i got out of the detroit area. that hit me hard, they are a great bunch of guys and they dont give out praise that often so to hear that from them meant alot. to walk around the shop though was really weird. its so fucking empty now. memories just came flooding back from being a kid and going up there on my dads lunch break and seeeing him to spending the 3 years that i worked there along side my dad, well to put it simple i started to really choke up but seeing as i was around the guys i had to do the shop guy thing and fake it and head out. i do miss the guys a lot but i have to say that i am much happier where i am at in K-Zoo.

also for those inquiring minds out there. Abbe is no longer in the picture. the way she treated everyone and the ways things worked out and the way things moved WAY to fast and WAY to soon didnt jive with me at all. i tried to explain it to her but as soon as i told her i didnt think that things would work out she started chewing me out and calling me everything in the book. so being the guy i am, i hung up on her and havent bothered with her since. i can only imagine what it looked like from her perspective and those that know me best KNOW that i am not a "fuck em and leave em" type of guy. i have spent most of my life trying not to be that guy. but unfortunantly for her she wouldnt give me the chance to explain myself so i guess this is one learning curve i will not be forgeting for a long time. i am really sorry to everyone that she acted the way she did around you and made everyone feel uncomfortable. at the same time,for a change, i'm not too discouraged about getting back out there in the dating scene. used be that i would be after something retarded like that but like i said i'm not too nervous about dating. even considering asking someone out to coffe or dinner sometime. who is for me to know and only a VERY select few of you to know at a later date lol

had an idea for some fun so here we go. there is a video on here for everyone on my friends list for live journal. some videos may be for one person or they may be for multiple people the trick to this is... you guys have to figure out which video is not only for you but for the others as well. some may be painfully obvious while others will make you think "what the fuck". have fun :)



1.


2.


3.


4.

(yeah i know)

5.


6.watch this one till the end of it

i have been trying not to bitch to much about the way i am feeling but i guess the day i had has kind of thrown that want right out the window. this is probably the only time anyone will see me post lyrics to a song from a musical. its actualy from Chicago, one of two musicals i actually liked, the other musical is The Producers for those that are curious. i guess i think that this song fits me.


"If someone stood up in a crowd
And raised his voice up way out loud
And waved his arm and shook his leg
You'd notice him

If someone in the movie show
Yelled "Fire in the second row
This whole place is a powder keg!"
You'd notice him

And even without clucking like a hen
Everyone gets noticed, now and then,
Unless, of course, that personage should be
Invisible, inconsequential me!

Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...

I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...

Suppose you was a little cat
Residin' in a person's flat
Who fed you fish and scratched your ears?
You'd notice him

Suppose you was a woman, wed
And sleepin' in a double bed
Beside one man, for seven years
You'd notice him

A human being's made of more than air
With all that bulk, you're bound to see him there
Unless that human bein' next to you
Is unimpressive, undistinguished
You know who...

Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there...
I tell ya
Cellophane
Mister Cellophane
Shoulda been my name
Mister Cellophane
'Cause you can look right through me
Walk right by me
And never know I'm there
Never even know I'm there.

Hope I didn't take up too much of your time."

i know you guys are internet fiends so i am pretty sure that you will find this at least somewhat amusing. i know i did lol

muppet bloopers enjoy. it is rather funny

Dear 909 Lane Blvd

I write to you this day to say a fond and heartfelt goodbye. Yes while I only resided within you for a short time, I must admit that you were the first home i had since my parents divorce and that you were the first place i lived after moving out on my own. within your walls are laughter and tears, hopes and dreams, and memories that will last long after those who resided there are long gone. I thank you 909 lane for the way you sheltered us from the harsh, cold winter winds, I thank you for the shade you provided on the hot sunny days, and i thank you for being the place that i longed to return to when my day at work was long and tiring. may the next lucky few who decide to call you home have nothing but happy memories with you.

sincerly
the big guy in the little blue room :)

Alright, Jess did this on here so I thought it was a great idea so in turn I am gonna steal it and do it here and on myspace as well to cover all the bases. The deal is simple, you leave little messages to people you care about, however you DO NOT say who exactly that particular message is for for sake of keeping things anonymous. Its also kinda fun figuring out which one is for you. lol


1. We met in under what can be considered the most drama filled and weirdest ways two people can meet one another. After all that drama subsided you were there to comfort me through what I can only describe as the most difficult period of my life so far. You kept me from going off the deep end and you put up with all my bitching and complaining and for that i will forever be in your debt. Your uniqueness and quirky ways of doing things have never and will never cease to amaze me. You have such a big heart although you try your damnedest to hide it from public view. You can be so unsure of yourself at times despite all of us who know and tell you that you can succeed. If i could only show to you how great you really are. just promise me that no matter what you will not stop being the loveable oddball lil sis that you have become to me.

2. dude when i first met you i thought you were a prick.lol but that was because you were such a quiet guy that i misinterpreted it as being an ass. its kinda weird how we met and all the drama that you had to deal with because of my situation at the time and even after that you were still there being you. You have by far the weirdest sense of humor of anyone i have ever met. you can be so quiet and reserved then at times you can be the most vocal and irate(but in a good way). i know i poke fun at you as far as questioning your sexual orientation even though i know for a fact that you are the most hetero guy i have ever met. i am glad i met you dude and i am glad that were are housemates. dont stop being weird, that is what makes everyone like you so much :)

3. i made a stupid mistake 2 years ago with you and someone else. i dropped off the face of the earth to you both when you two were the only real friends i had. but karma really kicked my ass for it. when we all got back into touch with each other i honestly didnt think that either of you would forgive me for it nor should you have. this past year for you has been a fucked up one for you. really shitty things have happened left and right but you have pushed through them and you have lived through them and in the end you have become so much stronger because of them. I know that things look like shit right now for you but i know deep down in my soul that things will get better for you, all you need to do is believe it yourself. Love ya punk ass

4.you have been way to kind to me since i moved in lol. you have a drive and determination that not only i dream of having but that over half of the worlds population dreams of having to. i have never met someone like you. you are like the energizer bunny. seriously who paints a bathroom at 3 in the morning lol??? building that workbench tho brought back some good memories for me and now i am probably gonna end up taking up that old hobby again once we are all in the new place. you tend to like to pick up strays i have noticed, like me and burdick, but thats not a bad thing lol. like i already told you tho, for the first time in a long time i finally feel like i have a home, thanks to your kindness and your generosity. i am so glad that i met you!

5. out of all the people in this world you are probably the one that knows me the best. my entire life you were there fighting for me and jeremy. for our education, for our health, hell for everything. as i got older and started to develop a sense of identity we most certainly had our fights and exchange of words, but through it all you were still there to support me. i know in the past 3 years or so ( i kinda lost track) things most certainly have changed. but knowing that no matter what fuck ups i make or what ever else happens you will still be there behind me cheering me on. i worry about you a lot, your health situation scares the living shit out of me. i want you around to tell my kids how much of a pain in the ass it was to raise me lol. keep fighting it, if not for your self then at least for me and jeremy. i love ya

6.growing up we didnt have much of a relationship really. we have both agreed that we missed out on a lot of things that we really cant get back. but in my opinion we have made up for it i think. i have always looked up to you as the man i was suppose to either be just like or even be better than. as time goes by i dont think i could ever do either but i will do whatever i can to try. your supportive words of wisdom and understanding ways have meant more to me than i can ever even attempt to put into words. i was named after you and that name has a deep meaning to it to me. i have always said that i was gonna name my first born son after me and people ask me why. i simply tell them two things: one i want to see how long i can keep our name going and two our name is a strong one, one that YOU made strong, so you can imagine why i am trying to be as strong a man as you are. i only hope my kids can think of me in the same way.

7. just cuz you are last here doesnt mean that you are in any way the least. when you came into my life i was extremely jealous of you. i thought you were a pain in the ass and wanted everything that was mine. i dont think that way anymore. as a matter of fact i feel like you are the closest thing i have to a kid of my own. i have always felt very paternal with you and that feeling will NEVER go away no matter how far i move away. since we were kids, even tho you were younger than me, you have taught me so much about what "normal" means and let me tell you that word really has no meaning. you see things in a way that others, myself included, cant even imagine. despite the problems you face everyday you face them with your head held high and your eyes wide open. despite what the world and society considers you, you still push those stereotypes aside and do what ever it is you set your mind to. i am so very proud of you, you have beaten every expectation i or anyone ever held for you. whenever i talk about you to other people i have to fight to keep tears out of my eyes. i am tearing up typing this message for you as a matter of fact you little shit. see what you do to me?? lol. if someone was to come up to me saying that they found a cure for you all i had to say was to give it you, i think i would have to say no. you are great just the way are. love ya kid.

was bored, got on youtube and boom here there it was. this is for any piano fan or portal fans out there. i know several of you... :)

i wrote this a while back and posted it in my mypsace blog, but i wanted to post it here to for anyone who would find it interesting to see my thoughts on music. so here ya go folks.



i was asked a few days ago why i have such an eclectic taste in music. i simply said that when i was kid that i didn't have many friends that i really hung out with, just acquaintances that i talked to at school, so i delved into various types of music ranging from country to techno. you name it, i listen to it.

but now that i have actually sat and pondered the question a little more, i think its more than that music is the oldest friend i have. when you stop to think about it, other than mathmatics, what is the basic universal language that spans time, cultures, beliefs, political ideals, and the like? music, plain and simple.

now i want you to bear with me here and actually think about it. a B flat is the same in America, Iraq, England, Canada, etc. people the world over listens to music to some degree. we associate music with feelings of loss and of love, we associate it with memories of some of the best moments and the worst moments of our lives. music, whether it be classical or hip hop tells a story.

some of the most revered scientists on the planet have compared the basic foundations of the universe to notes of music. when those notes are in the right order on the sheet of music that is the stuff that makes up the universe guess what you get folks??? us! life! so keeping with that line of thought, music=life.

i went to a concert last night at The Magic Stick with jess and bill to see Rasputina, on the way home jess was in such a euphoric state from seeing them that it was palpable in the car. she said that in a way music is a lot like a religion. i think shes right in many ways. we all have certain beliefs, the same way that we have certain tastes in music, some people dont understand some types of music the same way that some people dont understand certain religions, and some people are fanatics about certain types of music the same way that you have religious fanatics.

i could go on here all night but i will just leave it at that. yeah, i am passionate about music, in all forms, by all performers. you can thank my lonely childhood and my grandfathers guitar for that. lol

http://www.amazon.com/Star-Trek-Starship-Creator-Warp/dp/B00004SDGB

i want this. i have tried to find torrents of it but alas to no avail. this would make my xmas seriously. i know i am a geek but a lovable geek none the less. :)

i guess either peer pressure got the best of me or i just felt fucking left out so here is my xmas list

feel free to get me whatever is shown on here k thanks:)


anything remotely star trek related, seriously anything related to it at all.




a relaxing massage. it has been a real long time since i had one and it would be nice to get one.




an i pod, no need for explaining




i want someone to deliberately get me drunk. not to necessarily take advantage of me (although that is an interesting thought) but just to get me plastered.




i want a woman sans clothes




28 weeks later was ten times better than the first one. this movie is on my top ten for sure

the holiday was great and i got to see everyone. food was yummy and i think i might have gained back the 25 pounds that i lost since i moved out to K-zoo.

despite missing everyone here, i am really looking forward to getting back home to k-zoo. its kinda weird calling it home now but that's what it is to me now. for the first time since my parents divorce i actually feel like i have a home somewhere. it sucks that its so far from my family and all but its great that i finally have a place i consider home.

well its off to bed see ya guys on the flip side :)

been a long ass time since i posted anything on here, so i decided what the hell why not. things are almost ready to be loaded up into my car and my dads truck, said goodbye to pretty much every one, got all my official business stuff in order and am ready for the move, at least physically. i guess when you move out of your parents house there are always those pre-move jitters. its a scary feeling but at the same time its an exciting time too. scary cuz i will be far from almost everyone that has ever helped me through life and scary cuz if, god forbid, something would happen i would be far from them.

but while i am feeling all these jitters, i am feeling like for the first time in a very long time i am doing something right for myself. dont get me wrong i will do anything for my friends and my family without wanting anything but their friendship, but in my opinion i dont do enough for myself. i have let a lot of things in my life slide and slip past me. opportunities that probably would have put me in a hell of a lot better financial situation have gone by with out me reaching for them and opportunities to better myself and allow me to grow as a person have flown past me too. im not going to be letting that happen again. from now on i am promising myself that if a great opportunity for growth, knowledge, love, etc comes along i am not letting it get away.

kalamazoo here i come

"That's Life"

That's life (that's life), that's what all the people say
You're ridin' high in April, shot down in May
But I know I'm gonna change that tune
When I'm back on top, back on top in June

I said that's life (that's life), and as funny as it may seem
Some people get their kicks stompin' on a dream
But I don't let it, let it get me down
'cause this fine old world, it keeps spinnin' around

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king
I've been up and down and over and out and I know one thing
Each time I find myself flat on my face
I pick myself up and get back in the race

That's life (that's life), I tell you I can't deny it

I thought of quitting, baby, but my heart just ain't gonna buy it
And if I didn't think it was worth one single try
I'd jump right on a big bird and then I'd fly

I've been a puppet, a pauper, a pirate, a poet, a pawn and a king
I've been up and down and over and out and I know one thing
Each time I find myself layin' flat on my face
I just pick myself up and get back in the race

That's life (that's life), that's life and I can't deny it
Many times I thought of cuttin' out but my heart won't buy it
But if there's nothin' shakin' come this here July
I'm gonna roll myself up in a big ball a-and die

My, my!

--Frank Sinatra




"Lost"

I can't believe it's over
I watched the whole thing fall
And I never saw the right man was on the wall
If I don't land
Days were slipping past
That the good things never last
That you were crying

Summer turned to winter
And the snow it turned to rain
And the rain turned into tears upon your face
I hardly recognized the girl you are today
And god I hope it's not too late
It's not too late
'Cause you are not alone
I'm always there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When your worlds crashing down
And you can't bear to fall
I said, babe, you're not lost

Life can show no mercy
It can tear your soul apart
It can make you feel like you've gone crazy
But you're not
Things have seem to changed
There's one thing that's still the same
In my heart you have remained
And we can fly fly fly away

'Cause you are not alone
And I am there with you
And we'll get lost together
Till the light comes pouring through
'Cause when you feel like you're done
And the darkness has won
Babe, you're not lost
When the worlds crashing down
And you can not bear to crawl
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost
I said, baby, you're not lost

--Michael Buble

out at my aunts place in imlay city. my cousin is having the biggest bash i have ever seen. i think tomorow will end up looking like a massacre with people sleeping wherever they fell. i have had 6 beers and i am feeling pretty good at this point. lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of really great eye candy i think all would approve of. i know i will be hurting in the morning but fuck it. its been a while since i got plastered. have a super supreme awesomtastic and, if you can, alchohaulic memorial day
peace

i was talking to my dad the other day about all of the stuff i have experienced in my life and i said that i could probably make a bundle of it if i wrote a book about it. he told me i should and that it would be an interesting idea. my brain went into overdrive. i started to think about what if i did do that? would it work? would it be worth my time and energy? i would probably have to take a writers prerogative to make some of it a little more interesting. some of it mind you. but still what if? i need some advice on this one guys so please leave a comment. i cant get the thought of it out of my head and it has almost, almost consumed the majority of my time in thought. help me guys my brain is hurting.

i wish that if or when i piss people off, they would come and tell me flat out instead of avoiding me. thats all im gonna say at the moment. im to pissed off to write any more than that


edit: this is not directed at anyone on here

i am proud of myself guys, i had four teeth pulled and i didnt slug the dentist in the process. i cant talk at the moment thanks to the enormous gauze they shoved in my mouth and the vicodin is starting to kick in. yay for me. those teeth were fucking huge too! they got em out root and all. and to anyone who doesnt bruch regularly let me tell you this, brush your goddamn teeth! or else you will end up with periodontal disease. dont be stupid!
bye for now

i dont entirely agree with it but still it was funny

found out today that i am in for yet another layoff. it may happen as early as next week, nothing is for sure yet, unless a miricle happens and the phones start ringing again at work. i'm not even sure if i am eliglble for unemployment this time because i havent bee working there full time since i started school, either way i am fucked.

ok here is my situation, my friend pam, who i have known for 4 years, and i had a strange type of relationship before alicia and i started dating. she started dating this guy jerry just before me and alicia hooked up. my feelings toward her then were very very very very strong and i had asked her out several times (we were practically dating anyways) but she said that she didnt want to ruin a good friendship. then i met alicia, and everyone knows what happened there. in the course of me dating alicia i pretty much dropped off the face of the planet to pam and a few others which of course was my fault in all seriousness.

now that me and pam are hanging out again she confessed to me the other day that she did want to go out with me but wasnt sure where her heart was and now looking back she probably should have dated me instead. my problem is this. i think my feelings for her have returned in full force. jerry is 35, a chronic drinker, pot smoker, has barely any money to support himself let alone both of them, and treats her like shit.

i was over there today and in the course of watching one movie he lit up his bowl five times. even after pam asked him not to since i have a drug screen coming up. she works her ass off to support his ass and he barely does anything with her and when she tries to have an actual intelligent conversation with her he tells her to shut up? he has done this in front of me and it took all i have in me to not say something.

what makes this even more complicated is she is trying to hook me up with a friend of hers but im not sure what my feelings are telling me at this point. yes joe has gotten himself into yet another somewhat love triangle of sorts and yet again cant make heads or tails of what his own heart is telling him. fucking-a it feels like history just keeps repeating. sorry for the rant i have had this shit on my mind for a while and i really needed to vent.

today would have been my grandfather's 82nd birthday and all day today i have been really emo about it. im not sure why either. its been ten years since he passed away and normally when this day comes around i usually will honor his memory by at least looking at his picture and say happy birthday to it. but today all that has been running through my mind is weather or not he would be proud of me, what he would think of my choices, if he would approve of me becoming an EMT and a bunch of other things.

there are things in my life i know he would not approve of but i also know that that his love for me would not end either. he always would say i love you but i dont love your ways. i was very close to him as most people in my family were, but i still to this day look up to him as an example. he devotion to his family and his beliefs are to this day unmatched. i hope to live up to that someday. i miss him a lot right now. no matter what the situation or circumstances he always had something positive and encouraging to say. i miss ya papaw and i love ya.

despite not having insurance at the moment, my medications that they got me have been working. the swollen hands and feet and messed up joints are going away, thank god, and my speech is improving. my doctor suggested finding an all natural supplement of some kind in stead of pumping my body full of chemicals (medication) that in the long run could mess me up even further so i am trying to find something that can take the place of my blood pressure medication and my thyroid mediation. i'm also looking into finding a diet program that can work for me too. other than that still no way of knowing whats up with my heart, despite that my mood is good today. im missing people and things that i used to do and all that nostalgia, but otherwise things are good.

after a very long and lets say strongly worded lecture, from my father of all people, my mother has quit smoking cold turkey, has started seeing a specialist for her emphysema, and is starting to make a very conscience effort at staying alive a little bit longer. i know i talk bad about my mom a lot, but despite all the shit that she put me and my brother through the past few years i would like things to work out between me and her. i do love her and i want her to see my kids someday ya know.

stole this from jessi. i took it. tell me what you think. how true is it?

whats the protocol of accepting your ex-gf invite to be your "friend" on myspace? my ex did that and im not sure i want to but all i need is an internet incident

yes you read the topic line correct. i know i said i would never get into an online relationship but everytime i talk to her i seem to be becoming more and more attracted to her. you should see the way we e-flirt. its enough to make some people sick. im not sure if i am making the right move alowing my feelings to grow like this. im scared of setting myself up for getting hurt. we had talked about it before and said we would just be friends untill we could actually see one another but it feels like we grow closer everyday. if anyone thinks i am making a bad move please tell me.

tried to set up my unemployment online today. it wont let me and i can't do it over the phone because the way they have it set up is depending on the last 2 didgits in social secutiry number determines what day you can call and what time, well my day was yesterday. i will be able to call them on thursday or friday because those days it doesnt matter, anyone can call. if i cant do it over the phone i'll have to drive out to livonia to the office there to set it up. i found out that in the entire state there are only six, yes six unemployment offices and the one in livonia is the closest one to me. god we have some smart people workin for michigan

well tues and wed of this week is going to be rough days for me, seeing as those are my job hunting days. i have had this job for two years, which is the longest time i have held a job with out incident. i know my job inside and out, i know what to expect out of the people i work with and they know what to expect of me. we have become a well oiled machine so to speak. sure we are all related to one another in some way but the work environment was never really like a blood related family. sure we had our problems and disagreements but we still all respected each other.

its safe to say i will miss the guys. they watched me grow up literaly and supported me through my folks divorce. they are a great bunch of guys. i will miss em. and yes i will even miss the boss too. even though he did treat me like shit. he could have gotten rid of me awhile ago when they did some lay offs last year. so i must say goodbye to Taper Line INC. and hello to unemployment.
wish me luck everyone, cuz im really gonna need it

yup yup im back on livejournal. i will still be posting some on myspace but i think for the major major stuff i will be posting on livejournal. so far nothing to really report. just making a first post on here. ttyl